Seeking Arnold Schwarzenegger

This week’s surprising crime is a drug offence. Well, a substance offence. As you know, some substances are illegal. They’re illegal to sell, illegal to buy, illegal to possess, and even illegal to seek. You’ve heard of some of them, such as marijuana (also known as cannabis), cocaine, LSD (also known as acid), ketamine, and meth.

To keep track of which are illegal, Parliament keeps lists of outlawed substances. These lists are found in the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act (CDSA), at the end of the act. The lists are called schedules. Each schedule contains lists of substances that all have something in common or belong to the same category. Schedules are identified by roman numerals. Schedule I contains “Opium Poppy (Papaver somniferum), its preparations, derivatives, alkaloids and salts” and 24 other subcategories. Schedule II contains, among other things, cannabis.

These schedules enable Parliament to treat crimes involving heroin differently than how they treat crimes involving marijuana. For example, section 4(4) of the CDSA sets out punishments for some crimes involving Schedule II substances, whereas section 4(6) sets out punishments for some crimes involving Schedule III substances.

Here’s where the fun starts: Schedule IV contains “testosterone”. Specifically, 17beta-Hydroxyandrost-4-en-3-one. And section 4(2)(a) reads: “No person shall seek or obtain a substance included in Schedule I, II, III or IV.”

That’s right, in some circumstances, you’re a criminal if you seek testosterone. And thanks to CDSA section 4(7)(a), you can be imprisoned for up to 18 months if you’re found guilty of seeking testosterone.

Yes, yes, testosterone is a steroid, and many steroids are illegal. But, still, isn’t it remarkable that a substance manufactured by every healthy male human body is illegal to seek? In the 2012 Alberta trial decision R v Marcellus, police charged a person with possessing testosterone for the purpose of trafficking. The Crown withdrew the charge.

In the 2004 BC trial R v Dahl, someone was found guilty of smuggling, importing, and possessing-for-the-purpose-of-trafficking steroids: one steroid based on the chemical structure of testosterone and several that “emphasized increased testosterone”. ([2005] B.C.W.L.D. 4909)

And in the 1993 BC matter R v Cervantes-Coronel, someone was sentenced to 30 days in jail for trafficking in steroid derivatives. ([2005] B.C.W.L.D. 4909 at paragraph 41)

No, I haven’t found a case of someone being convicted for an offence related to pure and simple testosterone. But my advice to you, dear reader, is don’t press your luck. If you’re attracted to extremely macho men, you may want to seek counselling and try change that preference. We don’t want you in jail for seeking testosterone.

Finally, in case you think that the law is getting awfully stuffy and disconnected from everyday Canadians these days, note that in Marcellus, Judge Dinkel included, in a list of items seized by police, “a Jason-style hockey mask”. No, that was not a quotation from some other source. That was the judge’s own writing. One wonders if this same judge has ever presided in a case where items seized included a Freddy-style glove or a Neo-style pair of sunglasses.

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